I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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