Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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