Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
