Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
