Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
