shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
