Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
