I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
