Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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