i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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