And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
