I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
