what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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