Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
being pregnant is like rehab
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
