you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize