I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize