So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
