i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
