Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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