I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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