I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
