textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
