you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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