Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
