Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
