I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
