Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
