so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
