he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
