I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My vagina is officially offended.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
