That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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