Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
