We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
