I wish my penis had an off switch
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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