Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's shark week go big or go home
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
