She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
