I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
