he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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