hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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