I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
