fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You smell like stripper and shame
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
