I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize