Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Even my vagina gasped.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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