am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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