I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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