OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
