Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
