I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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