I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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