I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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