i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
