What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
