I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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