Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
