Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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