onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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