I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
