I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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