he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
