"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
