getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
