I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
