what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
