I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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