Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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